Listening resolves conflict. People need to be heard to be happy and productive at work.
Customer Journey Series: Karen
This article is part of a customer journey series following “Karen,” a first time manager in a small non-profit learning how to manage a team, motivate people, and promote collaboration.
Her journey explores empathy, communication, conflict resolution, and learning how to manage people—not just tasks.
Each post explores a real coaching conversation or leadership challenge from that journey.
This is the fourth post in Karen’s series.
I didn’t meet with Karen for a while. She was doing well, then the pandemic hit. Soon after, she went on maternity leave.
As the pandemic was ending, she called me and asked for a few sessions, so we connected.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“I have a real problem,” she said. She explained that just before the pandemic, they had hired someone at the same level as Leslie, a guy named Paul. Paul and Leslie did not get along at all. It turns out he was hired just before Karen went on leave.
The Executive Director took the new guy under his wing and started mentoring him and talking to him about what needed to be done.
As for Leslie, the Executive Director didn’t call her at all. In staff meetings, he assigned her work and went over the schedule, but she was left to do the work alone. It was the pandemic and no one wanted to work in close contact with someone. Still, he never called her to ask how things were going.
Now Leslie had been labeled as a difficult employee. Leslie saw herself as tough as anyone else and resented help. When Paul offered her help with heavy equipment, she was offended and accused him of taking over her job.
For his part, Paul had his own difficulties. He had a high school degree and resented Leslie who had a master’s degree. He felt threatened by her education and worked hard to assert that he was just as good as she was. Any time she knew more than he did, he took offense.
By the time Karen came back after maternity leave and people were getting back to the office post-pandemic, Leslie and Paul were openly feuding. Sometimes Karen would hear obscenities in the hallway, and she would have to go out there and remind them to be professional. One or the other would leave the building in a huff.
“It’s a mess,” said Karen. “They both report to me. Can you help me learn how to resolve conflict?”
I suggested having 1:1 meetings with each of them. Just as with Lucy, spending time listening to them and validating how they feel can really be a game changer.
I advised her to empathize with how they feel, let them know you believe in them, and appreciate their work.
“You don’t have to agree with them, but it will help things calm down if they feel totally understood by you.”
I suggested she stick with phrases like, “I understand how you would feel that way,” or “In those circumstances, anyone would feel the same.”
The more she could make them feel understood, that their reactions made sense, the easier it would be for them to process them. The more they feel appreciated, the more motivated they would be to try harder.
So, Karen started listening. When she called me two weeks later, she was surprised. “My first 1:1 with Leslie lasted 2 hours!”
“She hasn’t been listened to in a long time. I’m sure she has a lot to say,” I said.
No matter how long it took, Karen stuck in there and listened. She validated their feelings and let them process through their anger, disappointment, loneliness, and insecurities. Through it all she let them know she understood them and believed in them.
How to Resolve Conflict with Listening
I caught up with Karen about a year later and asked her how things were going.
“It took a while, but listening really worked. They started working harder, they stopped fighting so much, they actually started complimenting each other in staff meetings.”
“Yes,” I agreed. “Most people return the behavior they received. By you spending time really listening, they were more open to listening to others too.”
She added, “by no means are they best friends. But they are professional and respectful, and I think they are both happier at work. Certainly, they are much more professional in how they communicate with each other and others. They can work together on projects if I’m there. I’m hoping that in a few months, they will be able to work together without any fireworks even if I’m not around.”
I told her that she had done something really hard. “It’s really hard to teach people how to resolve conflict and get conflict resolution. A lot of people don’t have the patience. You’ve done a great job.” Then I asked her what she thought accounted for her success.
“I think it was just listening. That’s what worked, but I wouldn’t have thought it would take so much time,” she said with a laugh. “Remember when you told me to study people like I study plants and find out what makes them thrive? People need to be heard to be happy and productive at work.”
When I last checked in with Karen, I heard she was assumed to be next in line as Executive Director when the current one retired.
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