Sometimes people hear you better if you find a softer approach.
Customer Journey Series: Karen
This article is part of a customer journey series following “Karen,” a first time manager in a small non-profit learning how to manage a team, motivate people, and promote collaboration.
Her journey explores empathy, communication, conflict resolution, and learning how to manage people—not just tasks.
Each post explores a real coaching conversation or leadership challenge from that journey.
This is the second post in Karen’s series.
When Karen got her emotional intelligence assessment back, it showed that she was very low in impulse control.
“Impulse control?!” she said. “Is that a thing?”
I let her take in the report a bit.
She started to think about it. “When I was growing up, if you didn’t say what you thought, you were being fake. I think it’s important to be authentic and speak up if you have something to say.”
I agreed, but there is a time and a way to say anything. Usually, you get better outcomes if you’re more strategic about when and how you offer your opinion. Sometimes people hear you better if you find a softer approach.
I told her about a very successful friend of mine who had a very powerful boss in a very large organization. In public, she always agreed with the boss. Always. But if she had a different opinion, she would write him a note a day or two later saying, “Upon further reflection…” By making her case calmly, rationally, as a suggestion in private, on paper, she was less threatening and ultimately, far more effective.
We rehashed her incident with the neighbor. “Thinking back, how do you think you might have handled that differently?”
Karen thought for a moment and said, “well, it was probably wrong of me to defend myself. It’s kind of hard to hold back when someone comes at you yelling at the top of their lungs. But if I had to do it again, I think I would have apologized, not installed the plants, and told her I would double check the instructions before doing anything.”
“You have good instincts, Karen. Starting with an apology in a lot of difficult situations is the best way to diffuse a lot of tension.”
When you apologize, the other person feels respected, and they start to calm down. They feel less attacked. A more rational conversation can happen after that, or even as you said, a day or two later when there has been time to ensure that everyone’s rights are respected.
“A lot of people have a hard time apologizing. They feel it makes them look weak. Those are often people who try to get ahead through domination, and a lot of people get offended by that approach. You don’t want to apologize too often or for things you didn’t do. However, apologizing, even it is for making someone else upset, is a really great tool to use when things get heated. It takes the temperature down in a conversation pretty quickly.”
Karen started to build a toolbox of communication styles she could use.
Impulse Control in Someone Else
Karen had hired another biologist to replace Richard. Karen noticed that this new person, Leslie, was very introverted and much more comfortable with plants than people. For the kind of work she would be doing, that would be fine. Most of her days would be scheduled in the field.
A couple of weeks after she was hired, Karen asked Leslie to come along to a vendor’s shop. They drove together, and Karen explained the event they were preparing for and what she thought she needed from the vendor.
When they arrived, the vendor took them around, showing them some options. Karen wasn’t sure. She said her boss said to start with the minimum. They could always come back for more if the event grew.
Out of nowhere, Leslie piped up. “He is so cheap. Why doesn’t he just do it right the first time.”
Karen and the vendor looked at each other. There was an awkward silence. Then she told the vendor, “I think it’s fine for now. I’ll call you if we need anything else.”
Back the car, there was an awkward silence again. Then Karen said gently, “Leslie, please be careful what you say about the organization when we’re in the community. This is a small town. Everyone talks.”
Leslie let out a breath as if she had been holding it for a while. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what got into me.”
Karen said, “Maybe you should consider working on impulse control. There is a time and a way to say anything, but usually it’s better if you think about it and say it the right way at the right time.”
“Impulse control?” Leslie asked.
“Yes, learning to hold back sometimes if you are not sure what you want to say will be taken the way you mean it.” Then she said with a smile, “It’s what I’m working on, too.”
Leslie looked quizzically at Karen. She admired Karen and didn’t see Karen as the type who would say something out of touch.
Karen had come a long way in a short time, from having her impulsive outbursts contribute to her reputation as a difficult employee to now helping someone else reduce impacts from the same habit.
Continue the Journey
← Previous Post | Next Post →
Keep Learning
Return to Customer Journeys Hub
Explore the Leadership Framework
