Use pre-meetings to find out what difficult people want and get aligned. Then in the meeting, things fall in line more easily.
Customer Journey Series: Karen
This article is part of a customer journey series following “Karen,” a first time manager in a small non-profit learning how to manage a team, motivate people, and promote collaboration.
Her journey explores empathy, communication, conflict resolution, and learning how to manage people—not just tasks.
Each post explores a real coaching conversation or leadership challenge from that journey.
This is the third post in Karen’s series.
Karen made quick progress in her interpersonal skills. Her next task was to learn to lead in meetings.
“What committees are you currently serving on?” I asked her.
“Our staff meetings are pretty small and mostly revolve around scheduling, but I’m on a town commission to address stream restoration.”
It turned out that there was a stream that ran through public, private, and commercial properties. Each property owner had their own approach to the stream. Some had put in culverts, and some had poured cement channels to contain the water. Some of these measures were not effective or had aged badly, and so wildlife in the stream was dying and some riverbank habitat was really degraded.
The state had announced an initiative to restore streams and had some grants and funding to help bring their streams back to life. The local town council had put together a committee of the owners of the properties. Because a stream ran through some of the conservation land held by Karen’s organization. Her Executive Director asked Karen to represent them on the town committee.
“Great,” I said. “How are those meetings going?”
“Terrible,” she reported. “Everyone talks, and no one agrees on anything.”
“What seems to be in the way?” I asked.
“There is one really difficult person, Lucy, who doesn’t like anything. She talks a lot, but she just opposes everything anyone says. It’s not at all helpful.”
I told Karen about pre-meetings. In a meeting, the dynamics are complex. Often it’s easier and more effective to have one-on-one conversations with a few key people in advance of the meeting just to listen. If you can find out their agenda and what they really want or need, that can help you develop strategies they can align on.
“Why don’t you have a pre-meeting with Lucy. Find out what her agenda really is and then you can strategize how to use the information later.”
So that’s what Karen did. She reached out and Lucy invited her over for a cup of tea one afternoon. Karen was just there to gather information, so she made easy conversation and mostly listened to Lucy’s perspective.
At the end of an hour and a half, it seemed to Karen that Lucy was a very lonely person. She just wanted to talk to someone. She was so happy to have someone to chat with and she invited Karen back after the next meeting. Karen agreed.
In the next committee meeting, Lucy sat next to Karen. Lucy was less oppositional, and she agreed with everything that Karen said. Lucy had become Karen’s ally.
Over the next six months, Karen went to Lucy’s house after every meeting to discuss their views and mostly socialize. Lucy became a lot more amenable in the committee meetings. It was easier for the committee to make some progress. Other people started to respect Karen’s opinions too.
As Karen became aware of what other people needed and how to meet their needs in order to get alignment, Karen’s voice on the committee became more important. Soon the town administrators asked her to come to meet with them to strategize before the next meeting. Her voice as a scientist and as someone who was clearly respected in the community gave her a lot of influence over final recommendations.
“What did you learn about pre-meetings?” I asked Karen as the committee wound up its business.
“It was exactly as you said. In a meeting, the dynamics are complex, and it’s hard to get people to move in the same direction. It’s much easier to spend time one-on-one. Just listening helps and often there isn’t much work after that, just sort of getting on the same page. The more people you get aligned with, the easier the meeting becomes. Things just fall into line much more easily.”
Karen’s work took her out into the community a lot, and she started developing relationships with other key owners and town administrators. In her organization, she was better at getting meetings to move along too.
Karen Was Making Progress
Bit by bit, Karen was adding to her leadership toolbox and learning to lead.
I ran into my friend on the board about a year after I started meeting with Karen. He complimented Karen’s growth. “How did you teach her empathy?” he asked.
“I didn’t,” I said. “She already had empathy. We all do. I just helped her learn how to use it.”
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