Do you hold back your best ideas in meetings because you’re not sure you’re good enough to speak up?
A few years ago, a client made an admission in our first meeting that has stuck with me: “I’m a perfectionist. I want to be the best at everything.”
The client was thoughtful, self-aware, and by every outward measure, successful. But in meetings, she often held back — not because she lacked good ideas, but because a quiet voice told her she wasn’t good enough to speak up. Her own standards for what she expected of herself often left her silenced.
Through coaching, she reflected on her desire to be the best and how her self-criticism kept her from speaking up. “I know sometimes it’s my ego talking, but it can get overwhelming. If I think it’s not good enough, I keep quiet and double down my efforts. It can be exhausting.”
That admission — that our harshest self-criticism is often our ego or other voices from our past in disguise — is where a lot of confidence work actually starts. Not with affirmations. With noticing what’s really running the show in your head and learning to quiet the inner voices that hold you back.
Key Takeaways
If you’ve ever sat on a good idea in a meeting because some part of you didn’t feel entitled to say it, here’s what’s actually going on — and what to do about it.
- Perfectionism often masquerades as high standards, but it’s frequently ego in disguise — the fear of being seen as anything less than exceptional.
- Staying quiet isn’t a confidence flaw so much as a stress response — the same one that shows up as freezing under pressure.
- A literal three-breath pause before you react can be enough to shift from reacting to responding.
- Replacing feedback with “feedforward” changes the emotional temperature of a conversation, for both people in it.
- True confidence isn’t about being the loudest voice in the room. It’s about trusting yourself enough to know when to speak and when to listen.
A Small Reset, Not a Big Overhaul
I gave this client one small tool: before you react, take three breaths. Not because breathing is magic, but because it interrupts the moment just long enough for you to respond instead of react.
“It really helps me refocus,” she told me the following week. “I slow down, I’m able to think about what we are trying to accomplish, and I’ve noticed that other people appreciate a little pause when things start to heat up.”
I pointed out that her ability to pause when emotions run high helps establish leadership presence. Good leaders help everyone focus and remain calm. When there is a fire drill, the person who is calm is the one others turn to for guidance.
Then we worked on a technique to make hard conversations easier: feedforward instead of feedback. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, start asking, “How do we do this better next time?” It’s a small shift that changes the entire emotional temperature of a conversation — for you and for the person across the table.
Confidence Isn’t Loud
Here’s what I’ve found watching leaders: confidence in leadership isn’t about talking the most in meetings or being the smartest person in the room. It’s about being regulated enough to know when to speak and when to listen — and trusting yourself either way.
Often, people who are a bit quieter have time for more reflection. They take stock, balance positions, and work to find the best way forward. That’s who others perceive as a leader, not the loudest voice or the first one to speak.
That’s stage one of the framework I use with every client: Confidence, Empathy, Trust. You can’t fully offer empathy and trust until you have the confidence to quiet the voices in your head enough to listen to others. I’ll be going deeper on all this September 30.
Keep Learning
Join me live on Sept. 30 for Stop Second Guessing Yourself: A Confidence Webinar.
Find out more about confidence here: https://lisadfostercoach.com/foundational-leadership-skills/
FAQ
Is perfectionism the same thing as high standards?
Not quite. High standards focus on the work; perfectionism focuses on how you’ll be perceived if the work — or you — falls short. It’s less about the outcome and more about protecting your own self-image.
Why do capable people still doubt themselves in meetings?
Because competence and confidence aren’t the same muscle. You can be excellent at your job and still carry an old belief that you haven’t “earned” the right to speak first — a belief that runs underneath your results, not from them.
What’s the fastest way to interrupt a perfectionist spiral in the moment?
A literal pause: three slow breaths before you respond. It won’t erase the anxious thought, but it buys enough space to choose your response instead of reacting to the thought.
How is this different from imposter syndrome?
They overlap, but imposter syndrome is usually about feeling like a fraud despite evidence of your ability. Perfectionism is more about the standard you’re holding yourself to — needing to be right, or best, before you’ll let yourself speak.
