Learning How to Be More Approachable at Work — Marcus, post 2 of 6 - Lisa D. Foster, Leadership Coaching & Training

August 20, 2026

Been told you’re ‘unapproachable’ or ‘too assertive’ — but you’re not sure what you could possibly change?

As Marcus continued coaching, we explored why some people thought he was unapproachable and how to be more approachable at work.

Customer Journey: Marcus

Marcus was a tech executive who came to coaching during a career transition. Over the years that followed, he navigated new roles, organizational change, difficult bosses, and periods of uncertainty.

Marcus’s journey explores self-leadership, resilience, confidence, and learning to take ownership of his own growth.

Each post explores a real coaching conversation or leadership challenge from that journey. This is post two of six.

“Tech is a competitive industry” Marcus told me. “You need sharp elbows and a thick skin. It can be rough.”

I asked him to describe a rough moment, and he recalled being pushed out of a team and needing another post fast. He got reassigned, but laterally. He was frustrated by not moving up. He thought it might have to do with being unapproachable.

I asked, “what do you like about your new boss?”

“He makes time for me weekly, compliments my work, and encourages me to stretch a bit and try new things. He really listens to what I have to say.”

I asked him if he would describe his new boss as having sharp elbows or a thick skin.

Marcus thought for a moment. “No,” he said, “he is positive and encourages everyone. He finesses things, unlike me. I run right into things.”

I told him about a classic Zen exercise. In round one, one person comes toward another, and the second person lays down like a doormat.

In round two, a person advances and the other engages their arms in front of them. There is usually a struggle and sometimes one wins. Rounds one and two usually leave people unsatisfied.

In round three, when the person approaches, the other person takes one hand and turns to walk alongside them. This is agreeable to both parties.

“It’s really a story about alignment,” I said. “My guess is that your boss finds a way to align rather than to oppose people.”

Marcus liked that. “How do I do that at work?”

Shift from Judging to Curiosity

I asked Marcus to describe a situation where he had opposed someone. He said recently he told a colleague he should do something another way. The colleague clammed up after that and resisted his suggestion.

“I was just trying to help,” he said.

“Yes,” I said, “but in this case, instead of feeling helped, he probably felt you were judging him.”

I explained that the word should is judgy. Should implies you know better. It creates inferiority.

It can also feel controlling, like you want to tell them what to do. They can feel micromanaged.

“Wow,” Marcus said. “I say should all the time.”

Marcus started seeing how his impulse to judge had made him less approachable than he wanted to be.

Try To Be Approachable at Home

For his coaching homework, I suggested he go two weeks without the word should. Instead, try being curious. Ask why they want to do it that way.

Marcus started at home and immediately noticed a difference in his daughter. Her attitude improved, and she became more confident.

“I just worked to understand what she was trying to do and how she felt. It was hard at first, but when I saw how much happier she was, and after I practiced a few times, it got easier.”

Then he tried it with his direct reports. He stopped judging and started being curious and encouraging. He made suggestions lightly. He worked to be approachable and didn’t react as strongly when problems arose.

It’s Better to Support Them When They Ask for Help

They started opening up about where they needed more help. “It’s so much better to support them when they ask than to tell them they need help.”

The team started performing better. His boss complimented him on his leadership skills and noticed their good attitude.

Just becoming aware of how he was being judgmental helped Marcus find ways to be more curious and encouraging and be perceived as more approachable. Within a few months, he was pleased with his progress.

During one of our sessions around that time, Marcus celebrated. “I’m approachable!” he said with a smile.