One step beyond feeling empathy is tactical empathy, or what some people call, validation.
Tactical empathy is the act of letting another person know you see them, you hear them, you understand them.
To be effective, validation has to resonate with the other person as if they said it themselves. The easiest way to do this is to mirror what they said, or copy it. Hearing their own thoughts from another person’s mouth is a powerful experience.
This is a particularly useful tactic when someone is saying something that doesn’t make sense or that you don’t want to hear. For example, imagine that on Wednesday, your boss says, “I need that report by Friday,” when you had been originally told to do it for the following Monday.
You could confront them and try to insist on the original Monday deadline, but confronting your boss isn’t always a good idea.
Another option is to just copy the last 2-3 words they said. It often helps to start with, “I’m sorry,” like this:
“I’m sorry. By Friday?” The “I’m sorry” isn’t an apology, more an indication that you are seeking clarification, as if perhaps you didn’t hear them right. They will clarify and usually, they will find other ways to explain it to you or justify their request.
“Yes, by Friday. I need it for a meeting next week.”
“I’m sorry, a meeting next week?”
“Yes, I have a meeting Wednesday. Oh, forget it, just get the report to me by the end of the day on Monday.”
By the end of an exchange like this, they may be exasperated by your thick headedness, but they know you have heard them because you mirrored their words. They feel heard so they are less inclined to fight, and hearing their own words helps them reconsider what they are saying. As they clarify for themselves what they want or need, the timeline becomes clearer to them.
To end the exchange, they would rather just revert back to the original deadline. You have gotten what you wanted without confict. That’s the power of validation.
In real life, this actually works, but only when you do it with complete sincerity. Watch your tone. If you are talking down to them, being judgy, skeptical, or even a hint of sarcasm, it will backfire. Before you try it, put yourself in the right frame of mind. Be open and curious about whatever they say. You’ll be grateful too.
This post is part of my Gratitude Project 2025: The Magic of Empathy — a 30-day exploration of empathy and gratitude. Visit the hub to follow along or catch up on past reflections.
If you’d like to explore the science behind gratitude, visit the Greater Good Science Center’s Gratitude Resources.
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