Have you ever had to deal with your boss’s stress at work, and wondered if you were the one who did something wrong?
A client of mine called me one Monday to tell me about her weekend dealing with her boss’s stress at work.
Her boss had phoned her late on Saturday night. He talked for ten minutes about how this was the most important quarter they’d ever had, that she needed to hustle more. Then, mid-rant, he said, “I don’t have time for this, I’m at a dinner party,” and hung up.
“It doesn’t make any sense,” she told me.
She was right — it didn’t make sense logically. But it made complete sense emotionally.
Key Takeaways
If a boss or colleague under pressure has ever said something that left you quietly wondering what you did wrong, here’s what’s actually going on.
- When people are under pressure, what they say often stops tracking logically — they repeat themselves, contradict themselves, or say something that doesn’t fit the moment.
- Your boss’s stress at work is not a reflection of your performance — usually it’s a stress response to something that has nothing to do with you.
- You can validate what someone is feeling without absorbing the feeling itself — the two are not the same skill, and with a boss who doesn’t self-regulate, you usually need both: boundaries alone can read as checked out.
- Staying grounded in someone else’s storm is its own form of confidence, separate from the confidence it takes to speak up in your own moments.
Stress Doesn’t Explain Itself
When people are under pressure, they say things that don’t make sense. They repeat themselves. They contradict themselves inside the same sentence. They make unreasonable demands. If you’re on the receiving end, it’s easy to internalize that as something you did, or something you need to fix.
I told this client what I tell every client in that moment: your boss’s stress at work is not your stress.
That doesn’t mean you ignore it, and it doesn’t mean you just protect yourself and wait it out, either. It means two things at once. First, you notice the reaction for what it is — a fight, flight, or freeze response to something that has nothing to do with you — so you don’t take it on as your own. Second, you help your boss find their way back to calm, because most people under that kind of pressure won’t self-regulate on their own.
So you have to manage yourself and manage up at the same time. If you only manage yourself, a boss who doesn’t self-regulate may read you as checked out or unhelpful — which can cost you real credibility. If you only manage up, you’ll burn out carrying stress that was never yours to carry. The confidence is in holding both at once.
Reading the Signal Without Absorbing It
“If I step back, I can see it as a stress reaction,” my client said. “I don’t even know what he’s stressed about.”
That’s the point. You don’t need to know. You need to protect your own boundaries while the other person’s stress passes without you stepping into it. High emotional states are not sustainable. Your boss will calm down in time, and you can help by remaining calm in the meantime.
What She Learned
This client learned to listen and validate what her boss was feeling, without taking on the feeling and getting stressed herself. It’s a skill I’ve taught many clients over the years — over time, that steadiness becomes one of the most valuable things they bring into any room, not because they have all the answers, but because they aren’t reactive when everyone else is.
Why This Matters More Than You’d Think
Most of us think of confidence as something we bring to our own moments — presentations, pitches, hard conversations we initiate. But just as often, confidence is what lets you stay grounded in someone else’s storm.
Keep Learning
If this resonates with you, join me live on September 30 — we’ll go deeper on exactly this kind of pattern, and how to catch the moment before someone else’s stress becomes your reaction.
Stop Second Guessing Yourself: A Confidence Webinar — Sept. 30.
Learn more about validation at work.
Find out more about the framework here.
FAQ
How do I tell the difference between my boss’s stress and something I actually need to fix?
Ask yourself whether their reaction tracks logically with what’s actually happening. If it doesn’t — if it’s disproportionate, contradictory, or shifts mid-conversation — that’s usually a sign you’re seeing a stress response, not real feedback about you.
Does staying calm mean I don’t care what my boss is going through?
No. Validating someone’s stress and absorbing it are different things. You can say “that sounds like a lot” or “I understand how important this is to you,” without quietly deciding it’s your job to fix or feel it.
What if this becomes a pattern, not a one-off?
A single stressed moment is human. A repeated pattern is a different conversation — usually one about boundaries, not about staying calm in the moment. Staying grounded helps you see that distinction clearly instead of reacting your way past it.
How is staying calm under someone else’s stress a confidence issue?
It takes real self-trust to sit with someone else’s reaction without needing to defend yourself, fix it, or absorb it as truth. That steadiness is confidence pointed outward instead of inward.
Isn’t it enough to just protect my boundaries, or do I also need to help calm my boss down?
Usually both, especially if your boss doesn’t regulate well under pressure. Boundaries alone can come across as checked out, and with a boss who’s already stressed, that can quietly cost you credibility. Validating what they’re feeling, without taking it on as your own, is what lets you do both at the same time — stay steady, and still be genuinely useful to them in the moment.
