When an office has a difficult employee, leaders come to me asking why some people lack empathy.
It is common to believe that some people simply lack empathy. I understand why some people believe this, even though every human brain (and many animal brains) have mirror neurons in our brains that hardwire us for empathy.
So, why do some people seem incapable of understanding others? I’m not qualified to discuss the effects on empathy of neurodiversity conditions like autism, narcissism or other personality disorders. Let’s set those aside.
Still, it’s pretty common in an office to have someone who seems incapable of empathy. Here are a few of the common causes:
- People who have adopted an authoritarian leadership style, the traditional command-and-control style, and which has proven to lower organizational results.
- People who need to be the smartest or most powerful in the room are often overcompensating for insecurity or fear.
- People who have trauma or neglect in their past tend to demonstrate less empathy. This, too, is an overcompensation, often of the avoidant kind. You will know them because they tend to either dissolve into tears or fully withdraw whenever there is criticism of any kind.
- People who have simply let their ego get the best of them. These are often people who have achieved early success, and in order to live up to their own expectations, tend to bully or bluster their way into positions of power. Often, these, too, are people who have deep insecurities of one kind or another.
People like this have the ability to empathize but choose not to. In order for them to empathize, they would have to want to.
In some workplaces, leaders clearly define and enforce leadership standards, including empathy. When the office culture supports good leadership, people learn that empathetic leadership styles lead to promotions, and authoritarian leadership doesn’t. Coaching can support them as they try to develop this new skillset.
Where leadership standards are not enforced, people like this are sometimes promoted, and the results are less than desired. Then leaders above them either have to accept the damage done to others, the turnover and other results that cost the company, or they have to help them change. If the leaders themselves are adept at empathy, this can work. The other option is to let them go, citing too many conflicts and not enough results. Either way, it’s hard.
A few times, I’ve worked with people who have been told they need coaching because they’ve been told they need better leadership skills. Generally, I’ve found them very smart. It’s harder to succeed when you are rough around the edges than when you are widely liked.
What do I use to change their minds? Empathy, of course! They are usually grateful I did.
If this post resonates with you, learn more here: How to Deal with an Employee who Can’t Work with Others.
This post is part of my Gratitude Project 2025: The Magic of Empathy — a 30-day exploration of empathy and gratitude. Visit the hub to follow along or catch up on past reflections.
If you’d like to explore the science behind gratitude, visit the Greater Good Science Center’s Gratitude Resources.
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