When empathizing, there is another step beyond mirroring: naming feelings.
If you want someone to know that you empathize with them, try naming their feelings. Naming feelings can be a little tricky because you can’t ever 100% know what someone else is feeling. The key is to listen closely enough that you can imagine what you would feel in that situation. If you have listened enough to understand their circumstances, it’s just a small leap to name how you would feel.
Here’s the good news: if you are wrong, they will almost always correct you. That gives you even more information about what they are feeling, and gives them a chance to clarify. Even a wrong answer can deepen your understanding and bond.
For example, after listening to someone, you might say, “that must have been frustrating.”
“No,” the other person might say. “It was terrifying.”
Don’t worry. Just listen to the new information and go in the direction they are pointing. “What was so terrifying about it?”
The key is to simply seek understanding.
Many of us allow our own head or opinions to get in the way. This can lead us to invalidating them, rather than validating them. For example, you might want to say, “You say it was terrifying, but I’m sure it was frustrating too.” The word “but” erases their clarification and asserts your position. It is the opposite of empathy to insist that your interpretation (frustration) is more important than their feelings (terror). They will feel misunderstood and probably become more resistant to change. Why do anything for someone who doesn’t understand or even listen to you?
If you want the power of empathy, throw away the word “but” and the word “should.” Just start listening and learn to pivot when they pivot. That’s when you unlock true understanding.
Most of us are so grateful when anyone takes time to truly empathize that we want to do something for the person who just understood us. That’s how understanding moves through gratitude and becomes generosity and grace.
This post is part of my Gratitude Project 2025: The Magic of Empathy — a 30-day exploration of empathy and gratitude. Visit the hub to follow along or catch up on past reflections.
If you’d like to explore the science behind gratitude, visit the Greater Good Science Center’s Gratitude Resources.
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