Every year in November, I dedicate myself to 30 days of gratitude. Read all my posts here.
Nov. 1:
Honestly, I need gratitude more than ever this year. I can hardly express the unspeakable sadness I have experienced recently. I see fear and anxiety from conflict and violence writ large across the globe. Every day I experience conflicts, disrespect, and a lack of empathy writ small in my own life and in the lives of my clients and friends. Gratitude is much needed everywhere I look!
I can’t control what other people do, but I can control how I respond. This year, I have turned to the tools of mindfulness to give me a positive, clear, and ethical foundation for how I respond to the people and world around me. I wanted to stop reacting, stop stressing, and respond to others with truth, patience, and kindness. Mindfulness techniques helped me find my gratitude again for all that’s good in life.
So this year, I’m grateful for mindfulness, its practices and what happens when you consciously seek calm, clarity, and an ethical way of being in the world. Follow my daily posts this month to learn more about what mindfulness is, how it provides an antidote to the world we live in, and why I’m grateful for mindfulness.
Nov. 2:
What is mindfulness and why am I so grateful to have found its practices? Mindfulness is a way of being in the world where you control what’s in your mind. I know it sounds a little silly, because if you don’t control your mind, who does? But the reality is that minds have a mind of their own.
Try as we might to focus, our minds wander. That’s just what they do. Stress of all kinds can initiate unwanted and intrusive thoughts that keep coming up and demanding your attention. Just thinking about the past or future can make you sad or angry, even if nothing bad is happening right now. When this happens a lot, it can affect your mental and physical health.
Getting out of those thought ruts is not easy to do. That’s what mindfulness is all about. Clearing out negative or unwanted thought patterns and finding positive and productive ways of thinking. That is something to be grateful for!
Nov. 3:
Truly, I am so grateful for so much in my life. The problem is, sometimes my worries overwhelm my sense of gratitude. When I spend time worrying about the past, about what people have done or said to me, about the terrible things I see on TV, it’s hard to feel grateful.
I was pretty stuck in a negative cycle earlier this year. Then I decided that I didn’t want to be trapped in my own cycle of fear and mistrust. My obsessive thinking about the terrible state of things wasn’t helping me or the world. Actually, I realized that I didn’t want spend any of my time, not even one moment, paralyzed by anger, sadness, fear, or anxiety.
If mindfulness could reduce my stress and free me to take more positive actions to make my life better, I decided it was worth a shot. I’m grateful I did because mindfulness gave me my gratitude back.
Nov. 4:
If, like me, you are not in a war zone, if you have a safe home to sleep in at night, if you don’t worry about putting food on the table for your family, this is a good moment to be grateful. Be grateful even if, like me, you struggle with anxiety and fear. If you are merely breathing, you have much to be grateful for.
It can be brutally hard to feel safe in an unsafe world, even when we know we are physically not in danger. I’m grateful for my work in emotional intelligence over the last decade or so, which gave me the tools to respond to the overwhelming stress I have been feeling.
Nov. 5
Here’s what I know as an emotional intelligence specialist: Our emotions are a highly evolved system for assessing threats and seeking safety. Anger helps us establish boundaries. Trust helps us find communities where we are safe. Even when we are not thinking about it, our emotions are constantly scanning our environment for threats and seeking safety. Just remember: your emotions are telling you something.
Our bodies respond to stress exactly the way that our ancestors’ bodies responded to a tiger jumping out of the bushes. Adrenaline and other stress hormones flood our bloodstream. Rational thinking shuts down, and we feel an automatic fight, flight, or freeze response. We may want to yell at someone, or get out of there, or we just can’t think of something to do or say.
If someone in our workspace shows a lack of respect, or if we see violence on TV, we get the same adrenaline rush, the same confusion, and the same impulse to fight, fight, or freeze. If the threats keep coming and we can’t reset our sense of safety, our bodies get overstimulated by stress hormones. That can result in anxiety, fear, and physical problems like high blood pressure, sleep problems, or even back pain or illness.
Mindfulness is a way to reconnect to our bodies and reset our sense of safety and gratitude in our ordinary lives.
Nov. 6
So how does mindfulness work? Mostly through meditation which is how we practice training the mind to be still. Meditation is the practice of not doing anything, not even thinking. It’s harder than you might think.
As it turns out, when you practice not doing anything, you allow what’s unsettled to resolve. Emotions work sort of like plumbing. You have to feel emotions to flush them out of your system.
If you don’t feel them—maybe because you don’t want to feel them or because the feelings are coming in too fast—they can get clogged. That is the origin of intrusive thoughts. Sometimes, we don’t even know why we are anxious, or fearful, or sad. Sometimes we are well aware of why we feel the way we do, but we have no control over it. All of this can be very upsetting, and we can get stuck here.
Meditation gives the mind a chance to sort things out and feel what you need to feel. If you are really stressed, you’ll have trouble quieting the mind in meditation, even when you try. That’s ok. Taking time to experience your thoughts and emotions in a quiet place is beneficial all by itself. Eventually, intrusive thoughts and feelings will start to clear out. Even if you just sit for 10 minutes a day, you will begin to feel calm and clear, even if just for fleeting moments. Keep at it. You’ll be grateful you did.
Nov. 7
What are you feeling right now? Here’s a 1-minute mindfulness exercise. Make yourself comfortable and take a few deep breaths. Turn your attention and awareness inward. What are you feeling right now? Feel free to put what you’re feeling in the comments below.
You might feel something in your body, possibly tightness or pain. Or you might have emotions come into your awareness. Whatever you feel is simply what you feel. It is true to you at this moment. Accept it. It is here.
What has changed is that you are now aware of what you are feeling. That awareness is powerful. Now you can ask yourself: is there something you can do to make you feel better?
Nov. 8
Mindfulness is nothing more—or less—than awareness. Awareness is something we can all access, and it’s very powerful.
Studies show that self-awareness is the most important indicator of leadership effectiveness. It is also an anchor of stability, clarity, and truth. Some people call it a sixth sense, a kind of knowing about the world that doesn’t rely on the other five senses. For example, do you have a sense of what time it is right now without looking at a clock? Most of us do. Even if you close your eyes, do you know where you are right now? We know a lot of things that come to us from our awareness without our five other senses.
The more awareness you have, the more you perceive about the world around you. For example, when you are aware that you are safe or that you are loved, gratitude arises naturally. Awareness is a precursor to gratitude.
Nov. 9
Here is what meditation feels like: Imagine a glass of muddy water. As long as you keep stirring it up, it will remain muddy. But if you put it down for a while, the little pieces of dirt will fall to the bottom. The dirt is still there, but the water itself will be clear.
It’s the same with your mind. We all have continual experiences, thoughts, information, conversations, pressures, and worries that stir up our thoughts and emotions. Sometimes we have so much going on that our minds get confused about what is happening now, what has happened in the past, or what will happen tomorrow.
Meditation is like putting the mind down for a few minutes and letting all that settle. The experiences and pressures are still there, but your mind becomes clearer. Often, in the stillness of the moment, possibilities for action arise that help you resolve and reduce the stress. When this happens, you will feel grateful too.
Nov. 10
Incredibly, thinking can happen without any awareness at all. How many times have you been driving, walking, working, eating, or doing anything, and your mind gets wrapped up in thinking to the point where you don’t realize what you have been doing for the last several minutes. This can be unsettling, frightful, even downright dangerous.
For much of our lives, we are on autopilot. Without our permission, our minds whisk us away from what we doing right now. When we are aware of our thoughts as thoughts, we start to control them. We can start asking questions like, what do I want to do with this thought? That is a powerful question, much more powerful than an autopilot obsession. Instead of automatic thinking, it is an example of intentional thinking. I’m so grateful I could get there with my negative thoughts because it allowed me the clarity to do something about it.
Nov. 11
Mindfulness was the best tool for putting all that I’m grateful for front and center in my life. Sometimes I would be having a perfectly peaceful moment when thoughts of difficulties became the center of my attention. Even when I didn’t intend to be thinking about the pain in this world, thoughts come without my bidding. Some people call it rumination, some call it obsession. Mindfulness helped me overcome these automatic thoughts to find peace, calm, and even gratitude. But first, I had to become aware of what was in the way.
Nov, 12
Only by becoming aware of my thoughts and feelings could I understand what happened, gain perspective and clarity, and figure out what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to let go of.
I began to accept my own thoughts and feelings. It took a couple months of steady practice. How strongly I resisted my own self! We cling to our patterns even when they make us unhappy. Finally, I realized that I was the one holding onto old beliefs. When I was ready to let them go, I was free to have new patterns and beliefs. That’s when I found peace and gratitude again.
Nov. 13
Owning this moment can make the next moment better. It’s easy to get so caught up on wishing things past or future were different, that we start to try to imagine or even insist that things are not as they are. I have a tendency to replay moments in my head, thinking of things I could have said. But I didn’t, so the conversation replays over and over. I can’t change it. I can only wish.
I do the same with the future. Sometimes I spend a lot of time wishing I could control things that I can’t. Honestly, it’s exhausting.
Meditation helps ground me in the present and deal with things as they are. When you are aware of what you are thinking—not just thinking it but aware of that you are thinking it—you begin to see things more clearly. The past conversation is past, and now exists only as a thought. The future too only exists in my head as a thought.
Accepting this truth is strangely empowering. Living in the present moment gives me the strength to handle whatever came before and whatever comes next with gratitude, kindness, and awareness of my impact on others.
Nov. 14
There are a lot of good reasons we don’t want to let go of our thoughts, even our negative thoughts. One of the most stubborn reasons we hang onto toxic thoughts is the sense that we are right. Why should I give up my rights, or my thoughts, when I am right and other people are wrong? This kind of thinking is toxic. It divides us. If we were honest with ourselves, we would admit that there is almost never an absolute right or wrong in the world. Life is complex and different people can legitimately see things differently.
My biggest breakthroughs came when I practiced loving kindness, another mindfulness tool. When you practice loving kindness, the focus is on unity and gratitude. No matter how hurtful other people have been, they are still human beings. They still want safety, love, acceptance, and kindness, just as we do. These are universal needs. Loving kindness is about sharing gratitude.
Nov. 15
You might regret what you say or do out of anger, sadness, or confusion, but you will never regret acting out of love and kindness.
It can be incredibly hard to see someone who has been unkind, disrespectful, even mean to you as a person in their own right, deserving of love and kindness. It can also be incredibly powerful. As an enemy, you’re locked into fighting and opposition. But as a fellow human, other possibilities for action open up. You can listen to them, even if you don’t agree. You can empathize with them, even if they can’t empathize with you. You can treat them with dignity and respect, which ultimately helps you maintain your own sense of dignity and self-respect.
Loving kindness is an antidote to rage, depression, and confusion. You might regret what you say or do out of anger, sadness, or confusion, but you will never regret acting out of love and kindness. I was grateful when I found it.
Nov. 16
Another stubborn reason not to let go of toxic thoughts is love. When someone you love (like a family member) or respect (like a boss) treats you badly, it’s hard to let that go. Love and respect go deep into our identity. With all our might, we don’t want to believe that a person we love or respect can hurt us. Even when we know they are hurting us, it’s hard to let them go.
This creates an inner conflict about how to love them when they are being so hurtful and disrespectful. Through meditation, I was able to see the difference between the person and my thoughts about the person. I couldn’t change the person, but I could change how I thought about them.
Eventually, I learned how to love them at a distance. Getting that distance was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but one of the things I’m most grateful for.
Nov. 17:
Another thing that gets in the way of treating people kindly and respectfully is simply impatience. We want to solve the problem—now. We want things to be the way we want them—now. This is another way in which our egos blind us to the hurt that follows when we aren’t paying attention to the impact we have on others.
Practicing patience is practicing mindfulness. Taking a breath helps us slow down. Just breathing—intentionally, slowly, even for a moment—is an example of how things can be different when we practice mindfulness and gratitude.
Nov. 18
It’s only when we are mindless—not mindful—that we hurt one another. Obviously, most driving accidents happen when we are not focused on safe driving. For most of us, it’s the same with mean remarks, degrading treatment of others, and disrespectful behavior. We say things that sear deeply into other people’s hearts when we aren’t paying attention, or at least, not paying attention to them. We get so caught up with what we want, our desires, our power, our ego, that sometimes we don’t even notice that we’ve been hurtful. Hurting another human being is the ultimate act of mindlessness.
And if we are honest, we all do it, hurt someone unintentionally. If it really is inadvertent, like not watching where we are going and stepping on someone’s toe, we tend to apologize. “Oh gosh. Sorry! I didn’t see you there. I need to watch where I’m going!”
Sometimes the hurt is intentional. Hurting someone because you think you are right can destroy relationships, harm companies, and break families. You are putting your needs over theirs and denying their basic human right to safety and respect.
So, if all harm comes from mindlessness, mindfulness can help us return to awareness of our impact on others. We stop hurting others when we recognize that love, respect, safety, and kindness are universal rights, and everyone deserves to be treated with gratitude.
Nov. 19
Mindfulness is a thousand choices you make every day. Do you want to be mindful or mindless? Wrapped up in your own desires or aware of your impact on others? Judgmental or compassionate? Harmful or healing? If you are beating yourself up for having done something in the past, can you be mindful of how you treat yourself? You, too, deserve love and respect.
Mindfulness is about making conscious decisions about how you want to be, how you want to talk to others and to yourself. Even if you have done something harmful in the past, you have a choice right now to be more mindful, more grateful, more loving, and kinder. You can start with yourself.
Right now is a new moment that has never been experienced before. What do you choose?
Nov. 20
3 days till Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving is at the heart of my gratitude project every year. It’s a time for collective gratitude, to give thanks for our family and friends, for being alive, and being together.
It’s also a time of stress for many people. There are still three days left to get calm, to appreciate what is, to be there for others. Take a few moments every day to check in with yourself. How are you feeling? What are you grateful for?
Nov. 21
Think of all the times you ate without tasting your food. The awareness that mindfulness brings can help us feel the gratitude that Thanksgiving is all about. Try a little bit of mindful eating today. Take one bite of something, slow down, and really taste it. Feel the texture and temperature in your mouth. How does it taste different on different parts of your tongue? What kind of aftertaste do you experience? What memory does this bite leave?
Are you grateful for this bite, the world of sensations it has given you? Imagine eating like that every day. That would be real gratitude.
Nov. 22
There’s a lot to feel around a holiday, so take a moment to feel it all. Whether you are grocery shopping, prepping, traveling, or not going anywhere, there is a lot of work, frustration, and the emotional toll of missing family members who are far away or are no longer with us.
Check in with yourself and just breathe. Be grateful to be alive and breathing right now. Maybe you can even check in with someone else and help them slow down and feel gratitude for the present moment.
Nov. 23
Happy thanksgiving! May yours be filled with good food, gratitude, and loving kindness!
Nov. 24
People don’t have to do anything to be deserving of love, respect, and gratitude. Even if they are just there, it’s an occasion to be grateful. Mindfulness is about letting go of the self and being grateful for others and for life itself.
Nov. 25
Naturally when you practice mindfulness, compassion arises. We all have our troubles, and instinctively most of us recognize when our friends, co-workers, or family members face difficult situations or are in pain. Compassion is a special form of empathy that helps you demonstrate that you understand their suffering.
Sometimes we have an impulse to offer help or solutions to friends, family, or co-workers who are having trouble. Most people want to solve their problems on their own. Compassion helps you support them. Rather than stepping in and taking over, compassion helps even more by letting them know you believe in them to solve their own problems. It helps them believe in themselves, and for that, they will be grateful.
Nov. 26
In the end, what do your friends and family thank you for most? Being here. Listening. The practice of mindful meditation reminds us to be there and listen to ourselves, so that we can be grounded enough to listen to and be there for others. When that happens, gratitude comes all by itself.
Nov. 27
Mindfulness is a way of being in the world. It’s not something to achieve. The more you practice mindfulness through meditation, loving kindness, patience, compassion, and empathy, the richer life becomes. If you are looking for more love, kindness, and happiness in your world, join me in practicing mindfulness and gratitude daily.
Nov. 28
Today I’m grateful that there is a little more peace in the world. The truce in the Middle East seems to be holding, there are prisoner exchanged, and negotiations continue. For those of us mindful to the terrible toll of terrorism and war, this truce is a sign of hope. May the leaders of both sides be mindful of humanitarian and human concerns and find a way to live peaceably together at last.
Nov. 29
Coming to the end of my gratitude project for this year, I realize that although I have dedicated myself to 30 days of gratitude and mindfulness, I have barely scratched the surface. There is so much more to discover and be grateful for!
If you, like me, feel the stress of life acutely, you may be curious to discover more about how mindfulness is the antidote to the anger, sadness, and negative mind states that are rampant in our world. Consider
Emotional Intelligence at lisadfostercoach.com
Wherever You Go, There You Are Jon Kabbat-Zinn
Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction
Headspace (email me at Lisa@lisadfostercoach.com if you want a free 30-trial to Headspace and I’ll be happy to send you a referral link)
The Language of Emotions by Karla McKlaren
Nov. 30
As My Gratitude Project for 2023 comes to an end, I’m reminded that there is no end to gratitude and mindfulness. They are blessings to experience every day, like breathing. I hope you feel it, experience it, and find the many benefits of mindfulness, love, kindness, and gratitude all your days. I end this year’s gratitude project with the ancient prayer for lovingkindness:
May you be safe and protected.
May you be happy and contented.
May you be healthy and whole.
May you feel ease of wellbeing.