We’ve all seen out-sized reactions: when little incidents trigger big responses. If we’re honest with ourselves, most of us would admit that at one time or another, it’s happened to us.
In an office place, out-sized reactions that can wreak havoc. In my teaching days, there was a teacher who used to throw chalk at his students when they were whispering. Eventually he threw a book and was fired. Once I saw the director of a non-profit demean his entire staff for the actions of one person. Morale dropped precipitously, and the organization missed key performance targets for over a year.
Out-sized reactions can be mystifying. When someone’s reaction is out of whack with what’s happening, a larger emotional dynamic is at work. The key is to stop looking at the trigger or situation and look instead for the emotion that the person is experiencing.
Our Emotional Filing System
Emotions that are alike are connected in the brain, hard wired to similar experiences. Think of the brain as having a file drawer for every emotion: one for annoyances, one for love, one for anger, and so on. When we have an emotional response, the brain tucks it away in the appropriate drawer. Later, when the same emotion comes up, the brain opens that drawer and searches other similar experiences to find the right response.
When we don’t let ourselves feel, acknowledge, or come to terms with our emotions, the emotion gets filed without instructions. If it is a very important emotion, like mourning, loss, resentment, or anger, it can grow as it waits in the dark.
Sometimes the emotion detaches from the original incident, so that the emotion is vivid, but its origin is forgotten. This detachment can cause the emotion to distort and disguise itself. Fear of death might become an out-sized fear of heights or any irrational fear. Loss of a loved one can become frequent panic attacks at any small loss, losing your keys or a button on your coat.
Detached, unresolved emotions are forever in search of an incident or excuse to express itself. So, when that emotional drawer is opened, however slightly by some small stimulus, the detached emotion leaps out in a monstrous pounce.
Because we really never feel just one pure emotion, our responses to one person or one situation might be filed in a few different drawers. Think about your parents. You’ll likely find emotional experiences in almost every drawer for them. Sure, you love them, but they are also so annoying. You may be grateful for the help they have given you, and frustrated or disappointed at the lack of support at some key moment.
It may be the same with your car or your job. But there is no emotional drawer for parent, car, or job. Each emotion is separated and filed for later use—or misuse if the emotion hasn’t been dealt with properly from the beginning.
Out-sized Reactions Work Against You
I have a new client who recognized he was having out-sized reactions, but didn’t understand why he was flying off the handle more than he used to. He started our second session off by asking, “Why am I getting SO annoyed? Little things set me off in a big way.”
My new client’s awareness about his out-sized annoyance was an excellent place for him to start addressing it. It didn’t take long for him to reveal that he’s been unhappy in his job for over two years and has been trying to get a new job but without luck.
When I asked about his annoyance, he admitted that he thought the whole interview process was annoying. In a few minutes, he related a few interviews where he had become frustrated during the interview and had made some snarky retorts to interviewers’ questions.
“No one knows where they want to be in five years,” he snorted. “That’s a stupid question and I’ve told some of them I think so.” When interviewers asked if he had any questions, he prided himself on bringing up the most negative information about the person or company that he could find on the internet and asking them about their worst public moments or issues. No wonder he was having a hard time getting a new job!
I explained that he might have a larger annoyance lurking under his interview annoyance. I asked him to think about what else might be annoying him. It wasn’t just interviewing, it was his current job. It was hourly, and they sometimes asked him not to come in as there wasn’t always enough work. He was under-employed and it was getting under his skin. He was happy at home, except that he had too much time there. He was capable of doing more and had shown it in his work. He felt other people had an easier time getting fully employed so he was beginning to resent some of his friends with good jobs.
Practice Positive Alternatives
When I explained how emotions are filed in the brain, he nodded. That made sense to him. He realized that his attitude had been sabotaging him. His annoyance drawer was full of job grievances that pounced on any interviewer who haplessly stumbled upon it.
He was preparing to interview for a job he really wanted, so we agreed to work on positive alternate responses to common interview questions. First, we did some role playing in which he was the interviewer and I was the candidate. I gave him some of the snarky responses he had admitted to previously and he realized how bad that felt to the other person.
Then we talked about positive responses, and I gave him a chance to develop and practice narratives that demonstrated his strengths and skills. I reminded him that in our first session, he had a very clear vision for the career he wanted and was actually pretty clear about where he wanted to be a few years from now.
After a couple of sessions role playing, working on positive narratives, and learning to spin his answers toward the future and away from a past he had soured on, he was feeling better for this interview and actually looking forward to it. When he called me later, he said the interviewer seemed annoyed at having to spend time with him at first, but quickly warmed up and they ended up spending an hour and a half together. As it ended, he offered my client the opportunity to join the organization’s training program. He started in October.
Knowing how emotions work helps you handle them better, in work and in your personal life too. If you have out-sized emotions that are getting in your way, contact me for a free session and I’ll help you find your own positive alternative responses.