As you would with any other important conversation, take time to prepare for empathy.
Preparing for empathy will help you improve your results. If you want to use empathy tactically to influence somone, take time to prepare. Empathy as a skill is not to be taken lightly.
Here are 5 questions to prepare yourself before you try to empathize with someone else.
1. What are their motives?
Consider what they are doing now and their reasons for doing this. Do this in as much detail as you possibly can. Guess if you have to. And remember your answers are only hypotheses. Be open to new information as it comes up.
2. What are your motives?
If you want anything other than to truly understand them, put those motives aside. Come into the conversation with as pure an intention as possible to simply understand, and be ready to walk away once they signal they feel fully understood. Leave other motives to another day and let empathy work it’s magic.
3. What are they likely to think your motives are?
What they think of you will color the conversation. Acknowledge your part in their perceptions—fair or not—and understand why they see you that way. Try your best to understand why they see you the way they do.
4. What is the best case scenario for the outcome of the conversation?
Keep the best case in mind—and stay calm if the worst case shows up.
5. What open-ended questions can you use to elicit more information?
Open-ended questions are questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no, but require context and explanation. Questions that start, Do you….? are usually closed. Questions that start with “how” or “what” are usually open. Questions that start with “why” can come acros as accusatory so avoid them if you can.
Make a list of open questions that will help you understand how they got to this place. “How did you reach that conclusion?” “What did you hope would happen?” “How did you feel at that point?” Be open-minded when they answer. Mirror and validate their experience, even if it surprises you.
When you set out to empathize, your ultimate motive maybe to get them to change. Be sure to set that aside and simply empathize first. The magic of empathy comes after the conversation ends, after they feel fully understood. New possibilities open up when you stop being defensive. If you let them come to their own decision to change, you will be grateful you did.
This post is part of my Gratitude Project 2025: The Magic of Empathy — a 30-day exploration of empathy and gratitude. Visit the hub to follow along or catch up on past reflections.
If you’d like to explore the science behind gratitude, visit the Greater Good Science Center’s Gratitude Resources.
