Building better relationships is a skill we all need for success at work and in life.
Some people are simply better at building better relationships than others. If your team lacks cohesion and members tend to remain siloed or in conflict, good news! We can all learn to become better at building mutually satisfying and fulfilling relationships.
Naturally, due to childhood experiences and inclination, different people have different styles of relating to others. Psychologists call this your attachment style. Some people tend to be anxious or needy in relationships, which can make others feel uncomfortable or put upon. Other people tend toward high emotional independence, leading to behavior that others see as avoidant or aggressive. Both of these types, together describe about half of all US adults.
The other half, instead of becoming anxious or avoidant, communicate openly when things go wrong. These people are naturally good at relationship building. They are mindful to balance their own desires with those of others. This leads to relationships built on trust, respect, and empathy.
What Good Relationship Skills Look Like
The most important element in a good relationship is trust. For thousands of years, people have learned that they accomplish more and are happier when they are in relationships where mutual protection, success, and affection are important values. Trust and a sense of belonging are universal requirements for human community, society, happiness, and achievement.
Trust itself grows out a sense that protecting others is as important as protecting yourself. That means, sometimes you’ll give up something valuable to you–like your time, affection, or respect–to protect and support other people in your family or community. It requires empathy and compassion. It means caring about others as much as you care about yourself and seeing yourself as part of a larger group.
This dynamic is at work in the best workplaces. Money does not motivate people. (Really, the research is compelling on this, so click the link if you don’t believe me.) What motivates us intrinsically are relationships. At work, the most motivating relationship is with your boss, which is why it’s so important to be an effective leader at work.
Interpersonal Relationship Skills in Sales
For any salesperson, the ability to connect with others is a key factor in success. In sales situations, a salesperson’s gift of gab is nice to have. A little chit chat or advice at a retail or grocery store can increase sales incrementally. Still, if someone wants groceries or goods, they are likely to buy it even without any banter.
The ability to make strong interpersonal relationships becomes more than nice to have in sales situations that require complexity. In sales for tech, pharma, medical, heavy equipment, or enterprise solutions the ability to establish interpersonal relationships becomes crucial. These industries often involve a large price tag and/or lengthy implementation processes. How salespeople respond to customer objections or rejection has a huge impact on sales success.
Here, the salesperson takes on the role of trusted advisor. For success, the salesperson must understand the customer’s needs deeply, including their political and financial constraints as well as their functional and technical needs. In these cases, sales can take months, and ongoing sales or upselling can happen continuously. The customer returns to the salesperson over time, and true friendship can develop. The ability to establish and maintain credibility and trust are vital in these instances.
Five Tips for Improving Your Interpersonal Relationships
Even if you are not in sales, building better interpersonal relationships can lead to more success in your work and in life.
- Listen actively: Listening is the building block of all human relationships. We all think we listen, but if we’re honest with ourselves, we often are not listening to the other person as much as we are thinking about what we want to say. Try to listen more actively to others. That means reflecting what they say back to them to show you have really heard them. “So, what you are saying is ….” Even if you don’t agree, you have shown respect by demonstrating you have heard them and understand what they are saying.
- Be empathetic: Empathy is one of six behaviors proven to build trust and respect. Particularly when you want to have a difficult conversation, take time to consider the problem from the other person’s point of view. How does the situation feel to them? Once you understand where they are, you will be more successful in communicating what you need, and how your interests align.
- Practice Gratitude: When you want to approach a difficult subject with someone, spend a few minutes before you talk to them appreciating what you are grateful for in this person. Even if they are demanding or disrespectful, remember that something drew you to this relationship or this job in the first place. Even if you don’t say anything about your gratitude, the act of reminding yourself of what you’re grateful for is a powerful way to alter your own approach toward someone in ways that will help them accept what you are telling them.
- Communicate when things go wrong: It’s easy to get along when everything’s going smoothly. When the unexpected happens, relationships are crucial to setting things aright again. If you tend to clam up when things go wrong, others may feel abandoned just when they need you. Similarly, if you tend to be anxious and need a lot of reassurance when dealing with unexpected circumstances, others may feel put upon to calm you down just when other actions are urgent. Try to calm yourself and be as factual and forthright as possible in dealing with problems. State the facts without blaming or judging others. Consider what you can offer to make the situation better and listen to others’ ideas for remedies. Working calmly together in a tight spot helps others feel they can rely on you and builds trust.
- Separate the person from the problem. This is an important first step to communicating effectively, especially when someone has done something that is causing difficulties. Remember that people themselves are not the problem. The problem may be some behavior they show, like being late to meetings or dominating conversations. By separating the person from the problem, you can find what you appreciate about that person, and can begin to solve the problem in a respectful way.