Three Negotiating Mistakes—and How to Correct Them

Everybody negotiates. Avoid these three negotiating mistakes.

We negotiate the big stuff, like salaries and contracts, and we negotiate the little stuff, curfews and who will do the dishes. From my years as an entrepreneur and my coach training, I’ve honed my negotiating skills.  I’m not supposed to make negotiating mistakes, but it happened to me recently. In the end, even though I got what I wanted, the whole process left me feeling that I was in the wrong.

My daughter is getting married, and I completely fudged the conversation about the seating chart.  We had everyone’s names written out on index cards, and Jonathan,* my soon to be son-in-law, had laid them out in sets on the dining room table with his parents each sitting with their respective families and my family a bit more scattered. He was looking hopeful. For some reason, I forgot all my skills and I started the conversation off to a bad start.

I was like a rookie and made all three of these negotiating mistakes. Here they are and what I should have done instead.  Whether you’re negotiating with your boss for better pay, with a customer for a better deal, or your kid over bedtime, you’ll be more successful if you avoid these common mistakes.

Negotiating Mistakes #1: Taking a Position

My husband called out my biggest and first mistake.  After it was all over, we slipped out to take the dog for a walk, and I asked him, “What did I do wrong?” He said: “You took a position too early.”

He’s right. I started the conversation by stating that the families should be merged, bride’s family and groom’s family at mixed tables. Jonathan said his family was traveling and they would want to sit together. So right away, we were at loggerheads.

It’s more effective in a negotiation to search for common ground first. Once you take a position, it becomes an I-win-you-lose situation.  Instead, look for the easy things to agree on.

The right thing to do would have been: align first, then problem solve.  Instead of starting with my position, I could have simply said that I would prefer to sit my family together too, and then allow that to sink in. That would have signaled alignment, flexibility, and understanding, which can avoid a lot of conflict. Then I could simply point out the problem: my family is too big to fit at one table. At that point, I could enlist his help in solving this problem.

Alignment works in diplomatic circles, in high stakes bargaining like kidnappers and terrorists, in business as well as at home.  It’s a trusted way to start off on the right foot.

Negotiating Mistakes #2: Judging, Labeling, and Blaming

As soon as Jonathan and I staked out our positions, I made my second error. “We can’t have the two families sitting at different tables like the Hatfields and McCoys.”

I really should have had a second cup of coffee instead of making a snippy little remark. For one transitory moment, I felt I had made my point, but the feeling passed quickly when I saw Jonathan freeze. And there I was, knowing I had dumped a negative label on the seating chart he liked. An awkward silence ensued. I went to go get a second cup of coffee then, but too late. The damage was done.

Judging, blaming, and name-calling people shuts them down. It creates bad feelings by attacking the person, and does nothing to resolve the issue. Negotiating is about getting people to open up, to give a little, and to find a way to make things work for everyone. There is absolutely no place for judgment.  My little comment entrenched an already difficult situation.

I should have known to avoid judgement, labeling, and blame. Instead, I should have found something that we could all agree was a problem. Then we would be able to focus on the issue. For example, I might have pointed out that according to his plan, my sister was not at my table but at the next table over.  If I had merely noted the problem, without judgement, labels, or blame, he would have seen this as problem and worked with me to solve it.

Negotiating Mistakes #3:  Rushing an Outcome

This is the problem that underlies the first two. I was rushing to get the table chart done so I could take the dog out. But rushing never helps. The other side is convinced they are right, too.  The more you push them to change, the more they will resist. It’s like a law of physics: for every reaction, there will be an equal and opposite reaction.

I have found it’s remarkably effective in negotiating to be patient. Even if you find some common ground to align on and focus on issues, you still need to give the other side some time to see it from your point of view. They might have to shift their thinking, or give something up, and that’s never easy. For that matter, you might find that you have to give something up and see it from their point of view. Most people want to resolve things amicably, but they can’t do it while they’re under pressure.

It’s really useful to take a break. Any small excuse to give people time to adjust is helpful. I should have walked my dog right at the beginning and let Jonathan look at the issues. I’m sure he would have come around to see that seating separate families would not work logistically.

In the end, Jonathan saved me. I had dug myself in too far and ended up sitting in silence with that second cup of coffee for a long time, with nowhere for me to go.  Then Jonathan said: “what if we sit you and your parents with my parents and their parents?”  We shuffled the cards around and things fell into place. There was an uncles and aunts table, and a few cousin tables. These were solutions we could agree on to all these problems.

But the difficulty could have been avoided and I know better. Maybe my fourth mistake was not being optimally caffeinated.  Next time, I’ll make sure I have enough coffee before I negotiate anything.

*Not his real name.