Why are some people confident and others aren’t? Research shows that attachment style and confidence are closely related.
Attachment style is the way you connect with others and your ability to build trusting relatinships. Attachment style develops early, shaped by how consistently and safely your caregivers responded to your needs. Over time, those patterns become internalized as your “relational blueprint.” As it turns out, how you form relationships with others has a powerful influence on confidence
Three Attachment Styles and How They Affect Confidence
There are three main attachment styles:
Secure Attachment
When parents give children the right balance of attention—not too close, not too distant—children feel safe enough to explore. They learn that the world is safe and that people can be trusted. As adults, securely attached people tend to be naturally confident. They feel comfortable around others and know how to protect their boundaries without shutting people out.
Insecure attachment shows up in two main ways: needy or avoidant.
Needy Attachment Style
Children whose parents were too distant often become needy adults. Because they didn’t feel safe or seen, they carry an underlying anxiety about whether people will be there for them. That anxiety follows them into adult relationships. They crave reassurance and feel distressed if they don’t get enough attention.
Avoidant Attachment Style
Children whose parents were too close—hovering or overprotective—often become avoidant. As a result of not having enough room to explore, they learned to push others away to regain a sense of independence.
Avoidant people are often the first to leave when there’s even a hint of rejection. In fact, they can’t tolerate feeling abandoned, so they protect themselves by doing the abandoning first.
What Avoidant Attachment Style Looks Like
The song “Tainted Love” (written by Ed Cobb in 1964, popularized by Soft Cell in 1981) captures this perfectly:
Don’t touch me, please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you, though you hurt me so
Now I’m gonna pack my things and go
You can hear both the longing and the retreat—the push and pull that defines avoidance.
What Needy Attachment Style Looks Like
The opposite pattern, neediness, shows up in Cheap Trick’s “I Want You to Want Me.” The lyrics say it all:
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me
I’m beggin’ you to beg me
Later, the singer admits:
“Feelin’ all alone without a friend / You know you feel like dyin’.”
For the needy, rejection feels like annihilation.
So, What Does This Mean for Confidence?
Confidence grows out of secure attachment—the belief that you’re safe, capable, and worthy of connection. If you recognize avoidant or needy tendencies in yourself, don’t worry. These patterns aren’t fixed.
You can strengthen confidence by:
- Building self-awareness (notice your triggers and emotional responses).
- Practicing self-regard (accepting yourself without judgment).
- Learning to express needs and boundaries clearly instead of withdrawing or clinging.
These are the same emotional skills that make great leaders. When you become more secure in your relationships, your leadership will feel the more authentic, grounded, and confident to others.
Attachment Style and Confidence in Leadership
Leaders who are confident are steadier, calmer, and handle stress better than people who are needier or avoidant. Develop a more secure attachment style and confidence will grow.
Confident leaders are less likely to cling to old ideas or relationships in ways that cause discomfort for others. Furthermore, they’re less likely to be avoidant—pushing people or ideas away unnecessarily—which can cause offence or create disconnection.
Confidence also contributes to resilience. So, the more confident you are, the less likely you are to be triggered into fight/flight/freeze responses that spread stress to your team.
When leaders are confident and self-aware, they can manage emotions even under pressure and focus on calm assessment and problem-solving.
If you’re stepping into leadership, focus on building self-regard and self-awareness to strengthen your confidence. Like any leadership skill, it can be learned and developed over time.
Key Takeaways
| If you remember one thing… | Keep in mind: |
| Confidence is rooted in secure attachment. | Early experiences shape how we relate to others, but those patterns can be changed. |
| Avoidant people pull away to protect themselves; needy people cling to feel safe. | Both patterns come from fear of rejection. |
| Awareness is the first step toward building real, lasting confidence. | Strengthening self-awareness, self-regard, and expression rewires your attachment style over time. |
Keep Learning
Here are three ways to develop the attachment style and confidence you want.
- Why Self-Regard is the Bedrock of Emotional Stability, Confidence, Trust, and Resilience. — Self-regard is the foundation of authentic leadership. Learn how accepting your strengths and your weaknesses builds confidence, trust, and resilience at work.
- Emotional Self-Awareness is the Strongest Predictor of Leadership Success — Building emotional self-awareness helps you motivate, influence, and get results from others. Learn how it works and how to build it here.
- Five Ways Emotional Self-Expression Helps Motivate Your Team — Too little emotional self-expression makes you weak, and too much makes you oppressive, aggressive, or unacceptable. Learning how to express your emotions just right to increase motivation and engagement.
- For a full introduction to attachment styles, read: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find–and Keep–Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
- Ready to keep learning? Explore the full Leadership Resources Hub and choose your next step.
Want to build leadership skills live? Join my free leadership workshop, One-on-Ones that Motivate.
FAQs
What’s the difference between confidence and self-esteem?
Self-esteem is how much you like yourself; confidence is how much you trust yourself to handle what comes.
Can you change your attachment style and confidence as an adult?
Yes. Research shows that through self-awareness, therapy, and emotionally safe relationships, you can learn to trust other adults and be more secure.
How does this relate to leadership?
Securely attached leaders project calm, respect, and authenticity—qualities that inspire trust and engagement on their teams.
