How the Top Five Emotional Intelligence Skills Show Up at Work

A Primer for What It Looks Like to be Low or High in These Key Emotional Intelligence Skills

Emotional intelligence is a set of skills that give you the ability to be aware of your own and others’ emotions and to use that information strategically to make better decisions. We can talk about emotional intelligence skills in a lot of different ways, but five skills show up consistently in effective leaders.

These skills are:

1. Self-Regard: Accepting yourself for who you are, the good, the bad, and everything in between.
2. Emotional Self-Awareness: Knowing what you are feeling and why.
3. Emotional Self-Expression: Being able to express your feelings non-offensively and strategically.
4. Empathy: The ability to feel what others feel and respond sensitively to their emotional state.
5. Problem Solving: The ability to manage your emotions and others to solve problems effectively and make decisions that work for everyone.

What does it look like to have these skills? What does it look like when we don’t have them?

Here is a quick primer to help you know what it looks like to have high emotional intelligence skills and how those skills help you show up at work in ways that will energize and motivate those around you. When you know what it looks like to be lower skilled in these areas, you can also identify opportunities for self-improvement.

Self-Regard

High Self-Regard means accepting yourself as you are fully–the good, the bad, and everything in between. It is perceived as self-confidence. When you can accept yourself, you can be authentic and other people naturally trust you more. Of the top five emotional intelligence skills, self-regard is the beginning and the foundation for all the others.

• Knows personal strengths and makes the most of talents.
• Is resilient, bounces back from hardship, failure, or criticism.
• Accepts feedback and seeks consensus.
• Listens to good ideas no matter where they come from.
• Admits mistakes readily and seeks to resolve problems through open communication.

Low Self-Regard results in Self-Sabotage

• Has control or dominance issues, micromanages.
• Reacts badly to feedback, criticism, or opposing opinions, damaging relationships.
• Often assumes others are not trustworthy, undermines others or creates conflict.
• May decline new assignments and get stuck in a role.
• May value loyalty over performance or results.

Emotional Self-Awareness

High Emotional Self-Awareness means being comfortable in a variety of social situations. For many people, emotions operate under the radar of the conscious mind. Emotional self-awareness is the ability to understand what you feel and decide if the emotion you feel is helping you or getting in your way. If you have self-regard and emotional self-awareness, you are likely to have all the other top five emotional intelligence skills essential for leadership.

High Emotional Self-Awareness allows you to use emotional information strategically.

• Can name their feelings and connect feelings to appropriate situations.
• Knows when to listen, knows when to speak up.
• Is not often surprised by other people’s behavior and can identify why people are reacting the way they do.
• Responds appropriately to threats, aware of conscious or unconscious bias.
• Regains balance quickly from extreme emotional moments.

Low Emotional Self-Awareness leads to poor emotional self-regulation

• Responds to threats or bad news with anger, sarcasm, belittling or berating, etc., leaving others feeling afraid or hurt.
• Is prone to emotional outbursts.
• Blames others, avoids responsibility.
• Picks on people, often making a big deal out of little issues.
• Often surprised by others’ behavior or reactions.

Emotional Self-Expression

High Emotional-Self Expression builds relationships. Of the top five emotional intelligence skills, this is the key to engaging others and creating the safety and belonging necessary for high performance.

• Speaks in a way that gets others to listen.
• Persuades and inspires.
• Listens to objections, handles feedback and pushback well.
• Open minded, interested in others’ ideas and improvements.
• Can figure out how to have difficult conversations effectively and with compassion.

Low Emotional Self-Expression leads to poor relationships

• Impulsive, perceived as having no filter.
• Speaks or acts inappropriately, perceived as offensive or aggressive.
• Easily offended by others.
• Clams up, is perceived as a closed book or aloof.
• Often regrets what they say.

Empathy

When leaders have high empathy, engagement soars. Along with gratitude, it one of the most positive emotional intelligence skills.

• Has an instinctive sense of what others are feeling and adjusts to respond appropriately.
• Makes people feel understood and cared for.
• Recognizes achievements and celebrates successes.
• Builds relationships and networks.

When leaders lack empathy, division and distrust grow.

• May be perceived as arrogant, narcissistic, or self-centered.
• Doesn’t listen to others’ problems, or if they do, they reply with their own examples of similar issues.
• Keeps their own interests in mind at the expense of others.
• Expects relationships to end or employees to leave without thinking much about why they are leaving.

Decision Making

We don’t always think about decision making as an emotional intelligence skill, but the barriers to effective decisions are often emotional.

Good decision making where emotions are involved is a key indicator of resiliency.

• Maintains ability to respond appropriately even when things go wrong or crises arise. Shows willingness to change.
• Able to balance competing interests, taps into values to sort out give-and-take of difficult decisions.
• Listens to their gut when they intuit something isn’t right or more information is needed.
• Reality tests ideas and information before acting.

Poor decision-making where emotions are involved can slow response time or trigger infighting or mistrust.

• Feels blocked or indecisive when emotions are involved in problem solving or decision making.
• Remains stuck in old patterns or dogmatic thinking even when circumstances change and crises arise.
• Allows bias in problem solving and decision making, disregarding the interests of some stakeholders.
• Makes snap decisions, without seeking information or validation from others.

Almost everyone can improve how we show up for others in one way or another. While most people naturally improve in emotional intelligence over time, a little bit of self-reflection and intention can quickly boost your ability to make the people around you feel more engaged and more positive about working with you to achieve common goals.