Boo! Seven Ways to Handle Fear

We all handle fear in our particular way. Some ways are healthier than others.

Some of us love to be scared. Some of us not so much.

As I’ve written before, emotions are filed away in our brains as if there were a file drawer for each emotion. Everything you have ever been afraid of gets filed in the fear drawer, or neural network as a psychologist would call it. If you have unresolved fears from the past, those old unresolved fears can make you act in surprising ways any time a new fear arises and opens the drawer. 

Emotions are contagious and other people can feel them.

Emotions are contagious and other people can feel them. You can call it empathy, or vibes, or a sixth sense. Whatever you call it, the fact is that we can often feel what someone else is feeling simply by being around them.

That’s why a scary or funny movie is even scarier or funnier in a movie theater. We jump more and laugh more when others are scared or laughing with us. Watching the same movie at home alone, we might only react with a little smile or a tiny shiver.

Of all the emotions we can sense from others, fear is the most easily recognized. Way back when man was evolving, the ability to know when others were afraid was really useful. If someone else saw a bear first, you had a better chance of surviving when you picked up on the other person’s fear and act quickly.

A fear of failure can be self-fulfilling, so it’s important to tame your fears to become your best self.

A lot of fears in modern life are not so useful and can actually hurt us. For example, if you’re afraid of failure, afraid you’re not good enough (imposter syndrome), or simply lack confidence, others are likely to sense it. When they do, you can be passed over for assignments that are crucial for being promoted. A fear of failure can be self-fulfilling, so it’s important to tame your fears to become your best self.

It’s impossible to avoid fear so the best thing to do is handle it. We all doubt ourselves sometimes. Added to that, we have a lifetime of fears filed away, some of which we have dealt with better than others. The best time to handle your fear is when the fear first arises. The second best time is right now.

The best time to deal with fear is when the fear first arises. The second-best time is right now.

There is no one way to deal with fear. We each need to find the best way to deal with the fears we might have right now.

You’ll find that when you tamp down the fear, you’ll be less preoccupied and have more time and energy to find ways to mitigate the worst effects. You’ll also find that when you can work through your fear and calm it down, others will have more confidence in you and trust you more.

Here are seven tips for handling fear. See what works for you:

1. Laugh: The easiest way to deal with fear is to laugh it off. Sometimes what we fear is very real and not funny, but many times, we exaggerate our fears, especially in our heads. Say your fear out loud and see how it sounds. If possible, confide in a friend. If it sounds as scary when you say it, you could have a real fear that you need to deal with. But if sounds a little silly when you say it out loud, try to laugh at it a little. If you manage even a small chuckle at your fear, a lot of the power of the fear will get dispelled and you will be freer to handle events that might come you way. 

2. Reality check: If you have a real fear, try to figure out how big the threat is. One of the ways I like to do that is to ask yourself three questions: What is the worst thing that could happen? What is the best thing that could happen? What is the most likely thing that could happen? If you can answer those three questions, you will probably have a good handle on how threatening the situation really is.

3. Sort out what you control: Identify what you control vs what you don’t. There are few things we can control entirely. Still, we often have more or less control or influence in what might happen. By doing the best you can over what you do control, you’ll feel more confident in your ability to bounce back no matter what happens. Making a plan for the worse case scenario will help you feel less afraid of things if they happen. In fact, just having a plan can help you take steps toward avoiding the worst and getting better outcomes.

4. Distinguish fear from sadness: If things do not turn out the way you would have liked for you or a loved one, try to be aware of your feelings. Confusing fear with sadness amplifies both the fear and the sadness. If you are sad, name the sadness and deal with it as sadness. It won’t last forever. Let yourself feel the sadness and take some limited time to reminisce and feel sad, even if it is a significant loss or grief. If you are afraid of sadness and avoid dealing with it, the sadness doesn’t go away. It can morph into fear and create anxiety, which in turn often contributes to bad decisions and poor outcomes. As a wise friend of mine says: the thing about feelings is to feel them. That’s the only way to resolve them and keep them working for you rather than against you.

5. Separate old fears from new fears: If your fears seem to be outsized for the event or thing you fear, you likely have old unresolved fears that are attaching to this new fear. Resolving old fears, especially if you have forgotten them, can be difficult and you may need a therapist to help you remember what made you afraid in the first place. Once you resolve your old fears, you might find that your new fears are a lot easier to handle.

6. Don’t face fears alone: Many people get stuck with imagined fears, ruminating on them over and over without coming to resolution. Although it’s important to acknowledge your fears, it’s equally important not to get into a circular thought pattern where you think endlessly but never do anything about it. In this case, thinking about the problem becomes part of the problem. Getting out of your head and working with others to handle fear will help you take the steps you need to take.  If you feel like you are trapped thinking about fears and can’t seem to break through to a plan, reach out to a coach or therapist for help.

7. Try an affirmation: If you find you are afraid of something that just won’t go away, try using an affirmation to damp down fears and free up more positive ways to move forward. You may have had a traumatic experience that resurfaces from time to time, or anxiety about something outside your control that affects you, like a problematic family member or difficult business situation. Fearing these things does not help you be your best at handling difficult situations. An affirmation can help you handle fear so that you have more energy and motivation to do your best in spite of circumstances outside your control. Again, a coach can help you create an affirmation that works for you.

Need help handling your fear? Send me your email for a free 20-minute session to discuss the best way to handle your fears.